Why I Hate Being Dependent on Money

I suck at updating this now. I have at least 100 excuses. I will list none of them.

“I hate money.” No, I don’t hate money. In fact, I love money. Money is awesome, and I wish I had much, much more of it. What I hate is how dependent I am on money. I can’t do anything without it. I can’t feed my family. I can’t put a roof over our heads. I can’t put gas in my car in order to get to my job. I can’t have health insurance. I can’t go see a new movie. I can’t rent an old movie. I can’t have the electricity in order to watch said movie. It is tied to every single thing I do throughout my day. From the moment I wake up and realize we are almost out of toothpaste to when I snuggle into bed and wonder if I turned off all the lights and appliances to lower our energy bill, everything is related to money.

I am one of the vast number of Americans that lives paycheck to paycheck. I can’t have our monthly bills take automatic payments out of our bank account because I can’t guarantee the funds will be there. I play the “mail the check” game so that it arrives on time, but won’t get cashed until after a deposit is made. I call to see if we can move our payment due dates around so that we can still go to the grocery store and fill up the car. It is stressful, frustrating, and downright depressing at times. Especially at a time of year when I would like to buy gifts for my family, and I am unable to.

We’ll still give our son gifts, hand-me-down toys from his cousins. He won’t know the difference and will love them. He doesn’t really understand what Christmas is at this age. But it is heartbreaking as a parent to not be able to give your family everything they deserve. When you’re only able to give them what they need to survive, the bare minimum. And even then, sometimes coming up short and having to ask for help to buy some milk or bread.

I never thought at 30 years old, getting by would be a daily struggle.

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