It is a cold, snowy day outside, which means it is a little slow at the office today. Which I like. It allows me to catch up on some things I keep pushing lower and lower on the priority list. Like writing. One of my resolutions is to make more time for writing, even if it is an incoherent stream of consciousness.
I also have resolved to get healthy. I eat terribly, and not at all often enough, so when I do, I tend to overeat. I do not exercise as I should. I have intense lower back pain caused by carrying around too much weight. I lose my breath carrying my 7.5 month old up the stairs. Apart from a minor setback when my kids were sick, it seems to be going well. I will let you know how it works out.
Another resolution I made was to quit drinking alcohol. Not for life, mind you. There are always those instances that call for that kind of celebration. But in my effort to get healthy, drinking hundreds of empty calories every weekend was not helping my cause. So, aside from a few occasions here and there, I will be alcohol free until further notice.
My last, and possibly hardest, resolution was to let someone in my life go. The emotional and mental roller coaster this relationship has taken me on is dizzying, and because of it, other important aspects of my life have suffered. As I mentioned here, I put much effort, interest, love, respect and commitment into my relationships with people. This was one of those situations where I felt like I was carrying the weight of the friendship (and ships are heavy!). I would have to make plans to hang out; I would have to reach out when I had not heard from them in awhile; and I would be the one whose feelings were hurt when there was no reciprocation. It was rough, notably for my ego, because even for all my best intentions, I do not feel they were getting from me what they needed or wanted. And I can say with certainty I was not either. But rather than hound them with questions for the answers with which I was sure to be unsatisfied, I let them go. A difficult decision, to say the least, for I care about them deeply. And this whole endeavor is proving much more challenging than expected, as random memories and inside jokes pop up, demanding to be shared.
I am finding the experience to be much like grieving. I have gone through most of the stages: Pain, Anger, Depression (although “Sadness” is more apt), Reflection. It has been about two months since I last spoke with them, and only very recently has Acceptance come into play. Now, the word “fond” comes to mind when I think of them; there is soft, tender imagery associated with it. It is a perfect modifier, especially when tinted with melancholy. But I do not hold grudges. Maybe now is not the right time for us to be in each other’s lives. And if (when?) they are ever ready to try again, I will still be here.
One month in, and still going strong. So I raise my (non-alcoholic) glass to you, dear reader, and the success of your resolutions.