If you read my post yesterday, then you know my plate is full and my heart heavy. Additionally, my belly is full and my body heavy. I’m currently faced with a challenge of knowing that exercise will help me from top to bottom, but not wanting to exert the effort of starting over. I have these thoughts…maybe I’m just meant to be overweight. I should just accept it and eat, drink, and be merry. My husband, children, friends, and family will still love me. Why should I care?
Well, friends, to be frank, with my mind and spirit already in a whirlwind, what I am doing to my body is harming me. I’m lethargically tired all the time. I have virtually no energy. My temper is short, my eyes hollow. I’m having trouble breathing with the extra weight putting pressure on my rib cage. I am eating an excessive amount of processed foods loaded with added sugar. I actually thought I was having a heart attack last week. With the way I’ve been eating and not exercising, compounded with my astronomical stress, I wasn’t going to be surprised if I really was having one.
Six months ago, I was running an average of 20 miles a week. Now I am winded walking the 200 feet to my car. I don’t want to fail so I don’t want to start. Look who can’t take their own advice.
A lot of my fear is stemming from not wanting to feel good when my mom is so sick. This feeling like I should be sad and depressed, and the lift I get from a good workout or a healthy meal seems shameful. But if the situation was reversed, I wouldn’t want my children to stop taking care of themselves on my behalf. If anything, I would want them to take advantage of the time they have and be the very best version of themselves.
The lyric I ended my post with yesterday was, All the broken hearts in the world still beat. But I left out the next part, which today, seems more important:
Let’s not make it harder than it has to be.
This path I am on is going to hurt. A lot. But it will also have its bright moments. As Brené Brown says, we can’t dress rehearse tragedy. It won’t matter how many times I imagine the difficulties that have yet to come. They are still going to be brutal and painful. I don’t have to make it harder by not taking care of myself.
My mid-week mantra challenge for myself, and for you, is to not be afraid to start over. We all stumble on our journeys through health, fitness, life…it’s part of this gift of humanity we all share. So this week, I’m going to try to start over. Just show up and give it a go.