In which a typical day perpetuates the cyclical desire for isolation
- Alarm goes off – shut it off
- 15 minutes later…alarm goes off – shut it off
- 15 minutes later…alarm goes off – shut it off
- 15 minutes later…alarm goes off – shut it off
- 5-10 minutes later…wake up in a panic of oversleep
- Gently roll out of bed as my chronic pain immediately flares up in every joint in my body
- Gingerly walk to the bathroom as the feeling comes back into my feet
- Think about the day ahead and the thousands of people who rely on me and my team to ensure they get paid accurately and timely
- Mental to-do list becomes overwhelming and i already feel defeated
- Dogs and cat are whining/barking/meowing/crying for food and/or water and/or going outside
- wake up kids
- go to the bathroom
- wake up kids
- look at clock to determine if there is enough time to shower
- wake up kids
- wonder how on earth people just wake up early, work out, shower, get all put together like a million bucks, eat breakfast, brush their teeth, and leave for work on time. I used to be one of these people…
- skip shower because there is never enough time
- worry about kids
- miss mom
- frantically pull something clean out of the closet and hope to the gods it matches enough so the busybodies don’t keep gossiping about how i look
- nicely ask kids to get shoes and socks on
- open refrigerator hoping for something quick and easy to eat for breakfast
- firmly ask kids to get backpacks on
- worry about husband
- close refrigerator and skip breakfast again
- rush around kitchen for purse/computer/phone/water
- yell at kids to get in the car
- leave house stressed out and late
- sit in drop off line for 10 minutes
- eavesdrop on conversation of kids
- yell at kids for being jerks to each other
- apologize for yelling
- drop kids off at school
- sit in traffic for 35-60 minutes during 30 mile drive to office
- shoulders, back, hips, knees, quads and calves begin throbbing from sitting in a cramped seat driving stick shift in stop-and-go traffic
- work work work at a job where someone always wants something from you. always.
- frantically remember that a bill is due tomorrow
- worry about family
- pay bill
- review finances again and stress out over how we’re going to make all the ends meet
- miss mom
- answer text from spouse
- back to work – hundreds of unread emails all asking for more than i have the time to give
- go to meeting
- doodle in notebook
- interject with question
- walk back to office
- take off shoes because arches hurt
- phone rings – figurative fire that puts any plan for the day on the back burner and takes all the attention
- asked for the fifth time for something you said you’d get to them later in the week
- stand at desk to help muscles
- worry about kids
- shortened muscles in arms, shoulders, back, legs send shooting pains up and down body
- sit down
- hands start to naturally go in a curved position from the constant mouse work and typing
- get email from dad, worry about how much he has on his plate
- worry about siblings
- miss mom
- have dialogue with colleague
- 8-10 hours later, pack up for the day
- sit in traffic for 35-60 minutes during 30 mile drive home
- get home
- been giving all day, no energy left for anyone else
- fake enthusiasm over whatever is happening
- intense feeling like i need to be doing something – cleaning, organizing, tidying, mommy-ing
- miss mom
- exhaustion
- can’t relax
- just want to sleep
- but probably should stretch
- or probably should write
- or probably should paint
- or should do laundry or clean
- i should go for a walk or a swim
- and i should eat more vegetables
- and i should be a better mom
- i should be a better wife
- i should be a better manager
- i should be a better friend
- i should accomplish more
- get frustrated for should-ing all over myself
- go to bed and lie awake mulling over all the things i didn’t accomplish and all the things that won’t get done tomorrow
- open social media
- scroll
- scroll
- scroll
- i bet the busybodies wouldn’t gossip if i wasn’t so fat and lazy
- i wonder why the friends i reach out to don’t respond
- i wonder what is wrong with me that they don’t want to spend time with me
- i wonder why others never check in
- i wonder if it’s me not being a good friend
- then i wonder why i have to do all the work
- i wonder if my busy existence repels people, to the point where they make an assumption that i won’t have time for them
- but then again, i don’t have time for anyone
- i don’t even have time for me
- miss mom
- i don’t want to see anyone or do anything. at all.
- the idea of going out somewhere sounds fun two weeks out, but then as it gets closer, the anxiety builds up
- i don’t want to be around people
- i don’t like crowds
- i don’t like being “on”
- i don’t want to put on uncomfortable clothes
- i hate getting dressed
- because i hate my body
- i hate working out
- i hate running
- i hate group classes
- i hate knowing that if i don’t do some of these things, i won’t change
- i hate feeling weak
- i hate feeling overweight
- i hate feeling tired
- i hate feeling unaccomplished
- i hate feeling inadequate
- i hate feeling
- i want to drink
- i want to drink so i don’t feel
- i want to drink to escape
- i want to escape
- i want to leave
- i want to run away
- i want to disappear
- try deep breathing to slow heart rate
- miss mom
- sleep
- repeat
