My Sober Life, Chapter 20

In which a typical day perpetuates the cyclical desire for isolation

  • Alarm goes off – shut it off
  • 15 minutes later…alarm goes off – shut it off
  • 15 minutes later…alarm goes off – shut it off
  • 15 minutes later…alarm goes off – shut it off
  • 5-10 minutes later…wake up in a panic of oversleep
  • Gently roll out of bed as my chronic pain immediately flares up in every joint in my body
  • Gingerly walk to the bathroom as the feeling comes back into my feet
  • Think about the day ahead and the thousands of people who rely on me and my team to ensure they get paid accurately and timely
  • Mental to-do list becomes overwhelming and i already feel defeated 
  • Dogs and cat are whining/barking/meowing/crying for food and/or water and/or going outside
  • wake up kids
  • go to the bathroom
  • wake up kids
  • look at clock to determine if there is enough time to shower
  • wake up kids
  • wonder how on earth people just wake up early, work out, shower, get all put together like a million bucks, eat breakfast, brush their teeth, and leave for work on time. I used to be one of these people…
  • skip shower because there is never enough time
  • worry about kids
  • miss mom
  • frantically pull something clean out of the closet and hope to the gods it matches enough so the busybodies don’t keep gossiping about how i look
  • nicely ask kids to get shoes and socks on
  • open refrigerator hoping for something quick and easy to eat for breakfast
  • firmly ask kids to get backpacks on
  • worry about husband
  • close refrigerator and skip breakfast again
  • rush around kitchen for purse/computer/phone/water
  • yell at kids to get in the car
  • leave house stressed out and late
  • sit in drop off line for 10 minutes
  • eavesdrop on conversation of kids
  • yell at kids for being jerks to each other
  • apologize for yelling
  • drop kids off at school
  • sit in traffic for 35-60 minutes during 30 mile drive to office
  • shoulders, back, hips, knees, quads and calves begin throbbing from sitting in a cramped seat driving stick shift in stop-and-go traffic
  • work work work at a job where someone always wants something from you. always.
  • frantically remember that a bill is due tomorrow
  • worry about family
  • pay bill
  • review finances again and stress out over how we’re going to make all the ends meet
  • miss mom
  • answer text from spouse
  • back to work – hundreds of unread emails all asking for more than i have the time to give
  • go to meeting
  • doodle in notebook
  • interject with question
  • walk back to office
  • take off shoes because arches hurt
  • phone rings – figurative fire that puts any plan for the day on the back burner and takes all the attention
  • asked for the fifth time for something you said you’d get to them later in the week
  • stand at desk to help muscles
  • worry about kids
  • shortened muscles in arms, shoulders, back, legs send shooting pains up and down body
  • sit down
  • hands start to naturally go in a curved position from the constant mouse work and typing
  • get email from dad, worry about how much he has on his plate
  • worry about siblings
  • miss mom
  • have dialogue with colleague
  • 8-10 hours later, pack up for the day
  • sit in traffic for 35-60 minutes during 30 mile drive home
  • get home
  • been giving all day, no energy left for anyone else
  • fake enthusiasm over whatever is happening
  • intense feeling like i need to be doing something – cleaning, organizing, tidying, mommy-ing
  • miss mom
  • exhaustion
  • can’t relax
  • just want to sleep
  • but probably should stretch
  • or probably should write
  • or probably should paint
  • or should do laundry or clean
  • i should go for a walk or a swim
  • and i should eat more vegetables
  • and i should be a better mom
  • i should be a better wife
  • i should be a better manager
  • i should be a better friend
  • i should accomplish more
  • get frustrated for should-ing all over myself
  • go to bed and lie awake mulling over all the things i didn’t accomplish and all the things that won’t get done tomorrow
  • open social media
  • scroll
  • scroll
  • scroll
  • i bet the busybodies wouldn’t gossip if i wasn’t so fat and lazy
  • i wonder why the friends i reach out to don’t respond
  • i wonder what is wrong with me that they don’t want to spend time with me
  • i wonder why others never check in
  • i wonder if it’s me not being a good friend
  • then i wonder why i have to do all the work
  • i wonder if my busy existence repels people, to the point where they make an assumption that i won’t have time for them
  • but then again, i don’t have time for anyone
  • i don’t even have time for me
  • miss mom
  • i don’t want to see anyone or do anything. at all. 
  • the idea of going out somewhere sounds fun two weeks out, but then as it gets closer, the anxiety builds up
  • i don’t want to be around people
  • i don’t like crowds
  • i don’t like being “on”
  • i don’t want to put on uncomfortable clothes
  • i hate getting dressed 
  • because i hate my body
  • i hate working out
  • i hate running
  • i hate group classes
  • i hate knowing that if i don’t do some of these things, i won’t change
  • i hate feeling weak
  • i hate feeling overweight
  • i hate feeling tired
  • i hate feeling unaccomplished
  • i hate feeling inadequate
  • i hate feeling
  • i want to drink
  • i want to drink so i don’t feel
  • i want to drink to escape
  • i want to escape
  • i want to leave
  • i want to run away

  • i want to disappear
  • try deep breathing to slow heart rate
  • miss mom
  • sleep
  • repeat

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